PHILADELPHIA—Saying you’d take to your new way of life almost immediately, a study published by sociologists at the University of Pennsylvania on Friday suggests that you would have absolutely no problems being a rich asshole. “Although you currently express considerable disdain for rich assholes, the data overwhelmingly indicate that you would gladly embrace being a wealthy douchebag who sips $50,000 champagne and cavorts around in a multimillion dollar yacht and that, should you ever have this opportunity, you would quickly grow to detest your prior life in all respects,” said lead researcher Francine St. Almont, noting that whatever your political leanings are now, as a well-to-do shithead, you would instantly favor any politician who promised to make you even richer. “Furthermore, we found that in almost no time at all, you would be associating exclusively with other rich assholes—eating what they ate, vacationing where they vacationed, and buying what they bought—and the thought of being in the presence of friends or even family members who very recently meant everything to you would be laughable.” The report also found that despite your distaste for superficial people, you would be more than happy to wake up one day as a complete dumbfuck who could coast through life on their good looks alone.

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