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New Subway Menu Items Testing Poorly With Focus Group Of Swarming Maggots

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MILFORD, CT—Saying the results had been disappointing given the demographic’s past love of their products, Subway announced Thursday that its new slate of menu items had been testing poorly with a focus group of swarming maggots. “Unfortunately, we’ve got consistent negative feedback from our typical test group of writhing maggots,” said company spokesperson Kyle Shannon, noting that the squirming fly larvae had given especially low marks on flavor, ingredient quality, and texture to the Supreme Meat and All-American Club sandwiches. “Many of the legless grubs didn’t even try to finish their Turkey Cali subs. That’s a real letdown given that we designed this new line of subs with the particular tastes of maggots in mind. We’ll still launch the subs, of course, but we were hoping for better news.” Shannon added that the only good news that came out of this was a young grub who compared The Champ chicken sandwich’s meat favorably to the taste of a rotting deer corpse.