NEW YORK—Touting the state-of-the-art device as a major time-saver for women, Procter & Gamble debuted a high-speed Tampax applicator Friday capable of launching tampons into the human vagina at speeds of up to 500 miles per hour. “Competing brands usually enter the vagina at 0.012 mph, with the resulting inefficiency you might expect, but now, thanks to the aerospace-derived advances in applicator design, women will no longer be inconvenienced by 19th century Steam Age–tampon velocities,” said marketing representative Craig Harris of the new Tampax Blaster, a titanium-and-carbon-fiber unit which comes pre-loaded with 12 tampons in the magazine and is capable of hitting the vaginal canal with 90% accuracy under optimal conditions. “By far the biggest complaints we get in product development concerns the time-consuming nature of putting in tampons. Now it’s as simple as placing the laser designator on the intended site and launching the tampon into your vagina for guaranteed protection against leaks. And thanks to the 1500-psi vacuum chamber, the removal process is as quick and efficient with the installation of an additional attachment that sucks the tampon out at great speed. With Tampax Blaster, women can go about their day in worry-free confidence.” Representatives from Tampax reminded customers to always wear earplugs and protective eyewear during the insertion process and to keep the device away from children when not in use.
More from The Onion