AUSTIN, TX—Touting the feature as the future of hands-free driving, Tesla unveiled schematics for its model Y+ Monday that included an undercarriage thresher to shred all evidence of running someone over. “Starting in 2024, all Teslas will be outfitted a series of high-speed titanium blades beneath the main cabin, specifically designed to destroy any trace of a person who is hit, crushed, or killed by the vehicle,” said Tesla spokesperson Jenna Wheaton, adding that the shredder, which was connected to the AI interface and a series of undercarriage cameras, could instantly detect the impact of a human body and eliminate over 250 pounds of DNA—including bone, blood, and skin—within 60 seconds. “Whether you happen to hit a man, woman, child, or even a large group of pedestrians, the undercarriage will instantly suck them into its spikes, pulverize them, and then shoot them into a fine mist so thin that investigators will be unable to remotely tie you to the crime. Now there’s no need to worry about fines, jail time, or even guilt, because in many cases, the shredding process is so easy, quiet, and seamless that drivers don’t even know they’ve hit someone.” At press time, Wheaton also revealed that Tesla model Y+s would be equipped with a passenger incinerator, designed to instantly destroy any loose-lipped witnesses who might be tempted to squeal.
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