AUSTIN, TX—In a milestone victory for the anti-abortion movement, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a new law this week that would offer private citizens $10,000 for the names of anyone they heard was a slut. “From the middle-aged woman on her second divorce to the 16-year-old girl making out with her boyfriend under the bleachers, we’re asking that everyday citizens assist us in tracking down these hussies,” said Abbott, who invited Texans as well as residents from outside the state to come forward with any information they have that could help identify tramps, whores, and other loose women. “Maybe her pants are too tight, maybe she looks like she’s having a little too much fun at the bar. It doesn’t matter if she’s ‘a huge skank’ or a bit of a ‘ho’—we promise that you will be handsomely rewarded for whatever information you have.” At press time, Abbott added that the state was also asking for the names of any complicit friends, family members, and fashion retailers.
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