AUSTIN, TX—In an ongoing effort to completely eliminate the right to an abortion in the state, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Thursday that allows private citizens to kidnap and detain any pregnant woman or girl until she reaches full term and gives birth. “The sanctity of life can only be preserved when every Texan is empowered to seize childbearing females off the street, place them in the back of a van, and drive them to an undisclosed location where they can be held against their will for the duration of their pregnancy,” Gov. Greg Abbott said as he signed the bill into law, explaining that it was within the rights of an individual to keep the pregnant hostage chained up in a basement or locked in a cage, so long as she was properly secured and escape was impossible. “This important legislation ensures that once an over-the-counter pregnancy test has confirmed a woman is expecting, she can be held at knifepoint, at gunpoint, or through any means deemed necessary to ensure gestation is completed. No citizen should ever be penalized for exercising their basic freedom to force a woman to bring a child into this world.” At press time, the state legislature was in the process of a passing a bystander law that would punish any Texan who fails to do everything within his power to stop a pregnant woman or girl from accessing health care.