NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have two plastic googly eyes—what if it had a soul?” read the subtitles of the deranged $500 million commercial, which then featured footage of a man placing googly eyes onto a banana, drawing a mouth onto a banana, and then placing two tiny pipe cleaners into the sides of a banana to be its arms. “Just because it can’t scream doesn’t mean it can’t feel pain. Did you know that in order to get the meat of the banana, they brutally peel off its skin? Now, imagine a fruit or vegetable put googly eyes on you and then ripped your face off. Not so appetizing now, is it? This is unethical, dangerous, and harmful. You are not above a banana.” At press time, PETA had reportedly released an addendum to the commercial that specified that if you use blueberries to make a smiling face on a pancake, eating it was also murder.
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