WASHINGTON—Touting their service as the number-one choice for American abductors, a USPS commercial that premiered Wednesday highlighted the company’s history of proudly sending more fingers for kidnappers than any other major shipping company. “When you’re trying to get proof of life to its destination in order to guarantee your ransom demands are met, you can rely on USPS,” said the ad spot that also lauded the postal service’s reasonable rates for mailing standard-sized envelopes with threatening notes made from letters cut out of newspapers or written in the sender’s blood. “Our professionalism and care have allowed us to consistently surpass private shipping companies in consumers hoping to extort enormous sums of money from wealthy families. You can be confident that that child’s finger, toe, or portion of ear will get there on time, every time.” The ad concluded by reminding viewers that USPS was the unsurpassed leader in providing passport services for those fleeing to another country when their plan goes awry.
More from The Onion