NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the appropriate coverage it deserves, delivered sensitively to our readership as a puzzle that keeps the brain sharp,” said executive editor Dean Baquet, explaining that the substantial report would be easily accessible behind a paywall for premium subscribers to solve. “I can assure readers that we have our finest puzzle makers on the job. It’s important that we’re careful to treat these allegations seriously, as well as try to find a way to fit the words “Inappropriate Touching” into a single answer on the grid. We’ve done our due diligence and reached out to the Biden campaign to comment on 18 Down and 46 Across, although we haven’t yet received a comment since they might take a while to figure it out. As journalists, we will ensure that this pressing story will be available soon, maybe Thursday, but definitely not Sunday because that’s a big day for us.” At press time, the story had been pulled from the crossword to be interpreted from the astrology section.
More from The Onion