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Neymar Wins World Cup’s Golden Tears Award For Most Faked Injuries

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LUSAIL, QATAR—In a ceremony honoring the top on-field performances in the 2022 World Cup, Brazilian forward Neymar received the Golden Tears award Monday for the most faked injuries. “The Golden Tears award is given to the player who best exemplifies the principles of falling to the ground at the slightest contact, feigning life-threatening injuries, and winning cheap penalty kicks for his team—and this year, despite stiff competition from Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar is the clear choice,” said FIFA president Gianni Infantino, adding that Neymar was chosen by a panel of FIFA-accredited journalists on the basis of his time spent writhing around, his number of winces per minute, and his achieving the longest continuous pained howl. “This award celebrates a player who made not only his own performance, but the entire match, and indeed tournament, more difficult and annoying to watch. Neymar’s fake injury theatrics were so dominant that he won the award despite Brazil being eliminated in the quarterfinals, and we can only imagine what he might’ve done had his side made it to the final. The anguish on his face as he grabs one shin and then the other, rolling around and delaying the game, really takes pseudo-injured bullshit to the level of an art form.” With this award, Neymar becomes the first-ever player to win the Golden Tears in two consecutive World Cups.