NFL Teams' Pre-Draft Needs

Onion Sports thoroughly examines the major needs of some NFL teams heading into the 2013 NFL Draft:

Kansas City Chiefs:

• Young, mobile quarterback to replace Alex Smith midway through the season
• Only eight to 10 pieces of chicken away from fully satisfying Andy Reid

Jacksonville Jaguars:

• Superstar kicker to build franchise around
• Could add players at the 52 roster spots where they need the most help
• Modern stadium in Los Angeles

Oakland Raiders:

• Whatever, it doesn’t fucking matter

Detroit Lions:

• Find solid backup assholes to add depth to core of dirty, piece-of-shit cheap shot artists
• Another player who never will get ball to line up opposite of Calvin Johnson
• Add speed to secondary with brand-new bikes for the defensive backs

Buffalo Bills:

• Reliable 10-foot-tall receiver to catch Kevin Kolb’s routinely overthrown passes
• Way less pressing problems
• Veteran leadership to cut Kevin Kolb and admit this all was a huge fucking mistake

New York Jets:

• Stick to formula of finding young, promising players and running their careers into ground
• Overrated cornerback
• Goddamn miracle

Dallas Cowboys:

• Front office just gave a new six-year, $108 million contract extension to Tony Romo, so they clearly know what they’re doing and don’t need anyone’s help

Chicago Bears:

• Beloved middle linebacker who was the leader on defense and face of franchise for 13 seasons
• Nasty, mean offensive tackle willing to deprive millions of the pure, unadulterated joy of watching Jay Cutler getting smashed into the ground

Minnesota Vikings:

• Two or three more Adrian Petersons
• Career-ending injury to Christian Ponder
• Greg Jennings to lose about three years off his age

Green Bay Packers:

• Dependable running back capable of breaking 30 or 40 tackles every play
• Sign overpriced free agent if they want to stay competitive during important offseason
• Another big, soft, and cuddly offensive lineman

Denver Broncos:

• Every down running back who can convincingly pretend to take a hand-off from Peyton Manning 55-60 plays a game
• Pass-rushing defensive end to help Von Miller celebrate sacks
• Quality backup neck

New England Patriots:

• Stockpile picks, as there’s no way Belichick can get by with any fewer than eight new tight ends
• New little best buddy for Tom Brady
• Depth in secondary to pacify Vince Wilfork’s ravenous appetite during long drives

San Francisco 49ers:

Baltimore Ravens:

• Could use a franchise quarterback
• Solid replacements for Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin, Matt Birk, Dannell Ellerbe, Cary Williams, and Paul Kruger, so this should really be a cinch

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.