Nike CEO Steps Down In Disgrace After Footage Emerges Of A Guy Running Really Slow While Wearing Their Sneakers

Illustration for article titled Nike CEO Steps Down In Disgrace After Footage Emerges Of A Guy Running Really Slow While Wearing Their Sneakers

BEAVERTON, OR—Taking full responsibility for the devastating failure, Nike CEO John Donahoe resigned under a cloud of scandal Monday after footage surfaced in which a guy was seen running really slow in a pair of the sportswear giant’s sneakers. “While we are still analyzing the series of catastrophic mistakes that led to a Nike patron’s underperformance in a physical fitness activity, I am the CEO, and this is totally on me,” said Donahoe, adding that the company’s values were not reflected in the 20-second clip that recently emerged on social media, which shows an awkward, out-of-shape man barely jogging for half a block while wearing the company’s Air Zoom Pegasus 36 running shoes. “Please know I am deeply sorry for the humiliating lack of athleticism on display in this video. No one in Nike gear should ever be breathing heavily and running all hunched over with their arms on their hips like that—never mind the bumbling, lethargic pace. This is not what Nike is about, and I have submitted my resignation.” At press time, reports confirmed the company’s entire board of directors had also resigned after new footage surfaced in which a guy misses a bunch of easy grounders while wearing one of the company’s baseball gloves.

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