Well, things have been heating up again in the Hawkeye State where Barack Obama has at least a nine-point lead in the polls, due in equal parts to hard campaigning and an understaffed McCain campaign. So I figured hey, if Obama's the man of the hour, I should probably gas up the trusty Davidson's catering truck and make the trip to Muscatine where the Democratic candidate had stopped to make his pitch. If he won't come to Davidson's family restaurant, I thought, then why not bring Davidson's down home cooking right to him? And with all that local media there, it seemed like it would have been a regular P.R. coup for me, right?

Wrong. What an ungrateful bastard Obama turned out to be. No sooner had I approached the senator with a steaming hot serving of Davidson's new Change Gravy Fries—only $3.99—than I was tackled by about eight Secret Service agents who broke my arm in the process. When I tried to explain about how the fries were a goddamned taste explosion, they brought in one of those bomb defusing robots and FUCKING BLEW UP THE DAVIDSON'S CATERING TRUCK. I still owe 18 grand on that stupid rig! And to top it all off, I spent a good 10 hours in a fucking detention cell being questioned.

Go fuck yourself, Obama. You may have 40 field offices and a commanding lead in Iowa polls, but John McCain's currently the frontrunner at Davidson's.