ARIZONA CITY, AZ—Referring to the great many problems currently afflicting the world, area man Dustin Banks told reporters Thursday there was simply no way in hell he would be examining his relationship with food anytime soon. “If you think I’m going to try ‘eating mindfully’ or ‘listening to my gut’ or anything else like that right now, you are out of your goddamn mind,” Banks said as he shoved a third handful of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos into his mouth, explaining how he was not about to start giving a shit about prepping healthy meals or maintaining proper serving sizes amidst a deadly global pandemic and widespread social upheaval. “I do not have anything close to the headspace needed to put together some overnight oats with fruit or whatever the fuck would actually be good for me. I wake up, I shove some food in my mouth—be it frozen fish sticks, pizza rolls, or an ice cream sandwich—and I try to get through the day. Okay? There will be no increased consciousness brought to bear on my diet. That ship has sailed.” At press time, Banks added that all the extra time he had been spending on the toilet was a sacrifice he was willing to make not to have to think about his food choices.
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