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Noam Chomsky Finally Earns His GED

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TUCSON, AZ—Demonstrating high-school-level academic proficiency after several failed attempts, nonagenarian intellectual Noam Chomsky told reporters Tuesday that he had finally earned his GED. “I am proud to announce that after decades of false starts and dashed dreams, I have received a passing score on the General Educational Development test,” said the 93-year-old linguist and author of Syntactic Structures, Manufacturing Consent, and more than two dozen books critical of capitalism and U.S. foreign policy, explaining that his decision to hire a tutor to help with his exam preparation had made all the difference. “When I was young, I never thought academics were all that important. I was more interested in sports and girls and stuff like that. But as I get older, I realize I need to secure my financial future, and this GED will help me do that. I just wish my parents had lived another half century so they could celebrate this moment with me.” Chomsky added that he had encouraged his younger colleague Steven Pinker to get an education too, saying he didn’t want the celebrated cognitive psychologist to look around one day and wonder where his 60s, 70s, and 80s had gone.