PYONGYANG—Saying they were taking a deep breath and steeling themselves for the melodramatic public wailing and mass-scale processions they might soon have to engage in, sources confirmed Monday that the people of North Korea were already mentally preparing for whatever insane bullshit they will be made to do for Kim Jong-un’s state funeral. “Now that Dear Leader hasn’t been seen in 40 days, I guess it’s probably time to start getting myself ready to circle in lockstep with thousands of others around a 50-foot bronze bust of him for several hours while crying his name in anguish, or something like that,” said Pyongyang resident Bahn Lee, echoing the sentiments of his 25 million countrymen, all of whom were reportedly bracing themselves for the possibility of being forced to tear at their clothing, theatrically fall to their knees, and then be supported by bystanders as they each took their turn walking past Kim’s glass casket. “I just have to get into the right state of mind now for when I’m called on to stand motionless in the cold holding a banner bearing the Supreme Leader’s face while sorrowfully chanting his virtues in unison with thousands of others. Yeah, I think I can handle that kind of stuff for the official three-year mourning period.” At press time, the nation’s populace was trying to mentally work themselves up to don their official mourning jumpsuits and participate in a countrywide somber dance routine.

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