The 2012 NFL schedule has begun with a frantic flurry of free-agent signings, and Onion Sports runs down the best players available.
- Mario Williams: Signed with the Bills after other teams were unable to clear enough cap room to sign both him and his pectoral muscles
- Matt Flynn: Studied under Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers; has also become fully versed in Microsoft Excel and Photoshop in an effort to make himself even more marketable
- Kyle Orton: Signed with the Cowboys; at least five other GMs had his name on their lists but were successfully able to avoid looking at it
- Luis Castillo: A bit undersized at 5-foot-11, 190 pounds, and a bit mismatched to modern NFL schemes as a switch-hitting second baseman, Luis Castillo is probably not that Luis Castillo on second thought
- Plaxico Burress: Might be useful to some team in need of a good No. 3 receiver or No. 1 distraction
- Mario Manningham: Jaguars interested in him just so they can ask what it was like to play in a Super Bowl
- Curtis Lofton: Has been called a tackling machine, which hardly seems like a legal device to use on field
- Tiki Barber: Needs money very, very badly
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