FAIRFAX, VA—Announcing its financial insolvency after decades of losing ground to the popular means of household protection, cash-strapped advocacy group the National Rifle Association officially declared bankruptcy Monday as more Americans have continued to realize that martial arts are, in fact, the best way to defend your family. “I was an NRA member for years because I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my wife and kids from harm, but that was before I learned that the most effective deterrent to an intruder is a black belt in taekwondo,” said local man Ben Dobbert, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who have flocked to martial arts as organizations such as The U.S. Karate Corps and Americans For More Equitable Sparring have spent millions lobbying to expand citizens’ access to all varieties of blocks, kicks, and strikes. “It’s my right to defend myself and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the government come in and take away my nunchucks and throwing stars. Look, what people don’t understand is that being a jeja isn’t about violence, it’s about learning correct techniques so that when the time comes to use a tiger claw to subdue an attacker, you can do so responsibly. Martial arts are all about control and discipline, and compared to that, the NRA just looks like a bunch of lame weirdos obsessed with their toys.” Dobbert added that he wouldn’t be fully satisfied until every school classroom in America was patrolled by a trained grandmaster whose hands are registered as deadly weapons.
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