LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh shit, dude, it’s going supercritical—Run! Run!” said fissile materials researcher Mark Chalmers, Ph. D., ducking down behind a picnic table as his fellow pranksters recorded the 17-megaton detonation on their smartphones to upload to YouTube later. “Oh man, this is going to be so fucking sweet. We should put one of the Davy Crocketts in a cantaloupe next; [Department Head Dr.] Kevin [Agajanian]’s parents aren’t coming home until 4:30, so we’ve totally got time.” The researchers were later seen trying to blow away the resulting 12,000-foot tall enormous mushroom cloud after hearing a car pull into the driveway.

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