DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in the field of food science, but honestly, if you just ate wieners three times a day every day, you’d be okay,” said nutritionist Alison Lawler, noting begrudgingly that a supermarket frankfurter contains sufficient proteins, carbohydrates, and minerals to sustain an average human well into their 80s. “You won’t be healthy per se, but you’d last on hot dogs for years and years. You wouldn’t feel great, you’d be a bit weak and tired, but that’s about it. And you’d most likely be reasonably happy, because, hey, hot dogs are pretty great. Now, by no means are we recommending that you stock your pantry full of hot dogs, but we have to admit, that wouldn’t be the end of the world.” At press time, the nutritionists were not available for further comment as they had all gone out for hot dogs.
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