PALO ALTO, CA—Warning that it is one of the most visible symptoms of serious malnutrition, dietary scientists at Stanford University revealed Monday that humans who consume a proper diet should not be defecating. “In humans who correctly manage their dietary intake, 100 percent of food consumed is absorbed by the body, with any defecation whatsoever being a sign that the diet must be reassessed,” said research leader Angela Nagle, explaining that bodily waste is evidence of an inefficient and improperly functioning digestive system expelling harmful substances and also noting that healthy human beings should not be urinating. “A well-fed body should not be producing any feces or urine whatsoever. As nutrition professionals, most of us have not defecated for 30-40 years, as our bodies convert everything into energy as intended by nature. In fact, if you have defecated at any time in the last week at any time in the last week, you should schedule an appointment with a doctor immediately.” Nagle added that anyone who becomes aware of a defecating infant should immediately report the baby’s parents to child protective services.

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