NEW YORK—After bulldozers had demolished the provisional treatment centers, New York Police Department officials confirmed Friday they had razed the newly erected Central Park hospital tents, explaining that the structures, which housed coronavirus patients, violated outdoor encampment laws. “It’s illegal to set up housing in a public space like this without the proper permits, so everyone here must disperse immediately or else be subject to arrest,” Sgt. Nicholas Remis said through a bullhorn to dozens of intubated ICU patients as officers in full tactical gear disconnected and seized IV stands, ventilators, and hospital beds, which were then hauled away to an impound lot in the Bronx, where the equipment will reportedly be destroyed. “You are all going to need to find somewhere else to sleep, so please gather your things and get out of here. We’re not joking around, people. We’re gonna leave and come back in half an hour, and if you’re still here, things are gonna get a lot uglier.” At press time, witnesses reported that the officers had returned and were firing tear gas canisters at several noncompliant seniors who could be seen coughing up blood and failing to disperse.
More from The Onion