FOOTHILL RANCH, CA—In an effort to market “something a little bit different” to diehard fans of its lifestyle brand, sports apparel company Oakley unveiled a new line of sunglasses Monday specifically designed for wear on the front of the head. “We’re excited to expand into eyewear with these sleek new performance sunglasses, which have the same look and feel as your favorite pair of Oakleys, but are built for shielding your eyes instead of the back of your head,” said Oakley spokesman Brock Shannon, demonstrating how to correctly position the shades so they rest atop the nose rather than on spiky blond-tipped hair or the base of a smooth bald skull. “Whether you’re on your speedboat, on your Jet Ski, or simply on your Bluetooth in the parking lot of a local Chili’s, these bad boys can withstand the absolute sunniest conditions. Just make sure the holographic orange lenses cover your eyes, and there’ll be no more squinting under the shade of your meaty hand.” In response to concerns from longtime customers, Shannon later clarified that the new Oakleys would not interfere with the old ones already on the backs of their heads, confirming that they could wear both pairs at the same time.
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