WASHINGTON—In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating plants of the White House Rose Garden Monday and was nearly devoured whole. According to witnesses, Obama was giving a tour to a group of foreign dignitaries when he leaned against a fence and was pulled headfirst into the pack of thorny stems and meat-eating flora that edge the lawn. "I should have known it was almost feeding time," said a surprisingly high-spirited Obama, whose neck and legs were still covered with bandages. "If the gardener hadn't left out that rake I used to fend them off, there's no doubt their tentacle-like vines would have strangled me and crushed my body into a powder." In hopes of preventing another embarrassing snafu, White House groundskeepers have erected a large "Keep Out!" sign near the 5-foot-tall Venus flytraps and will begin feeding the plants 10 live hogs per day instead of eight.
More from The Onion