WESTBROOK, CT—Writhing in agony as the flesh dissolved from their hands and faces, law enforcement officials exposed to Steve Bannon during his arrest on charges of defrauding donors reportedly screamed in excruciating pain Thursday as their blistering skin began to slough off. “Those who came into contact with Mr. Bannon while apprehending him aboard a yacht off the coast of Connecticut are now covered in bursting pustules and looking on in horror as the sinews crumble and fall away from their bodies in large chunks,” said Chief Postal Inspector Gary Barksdale, supervisor of the federal agents tasked with arresting the former top adviser to President Trump, as he confirmed that the flayed skeletal remains of the officer who handcuffed Bannon had fallen overboard and created a vast, hypoxic dead zone in the Long Island Sound. “Because their condition is untreatable, the agents currently calling out in vain for someone to save them will unfortunately perish in a boiling pool of their own necrotic tissues. Mr. Bannon was successfully taken into custody, however, and is being held in the hermetically sealed, titanium-lined containment unit designed and constructed in anticipation of his arrest.” On a more optimistic note, Barksdale stated that the 30-mile radius of blighted landscape surrounding Bannon’s home had already begun to recover, with the barren ecological wasteland showing signs of plant and animal life for the first time in decades.
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