Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs
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Uh, Greg…

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Fucking...Talia? Thalia?

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Shit. Greg? We already said that. Shit.

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giuragarknggdfe. Wait, sorry, we were wiping our keyboard. Whatever, let’s just go with that.

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Tree. Next!

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Cut it out. We’re here to name eggs, not fuck around.

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This one already answers to Brandon, so let’s just go with that.

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We always loved the name Penelope and hoped to use that name for our daughter, but since we are alone and always going to be alone we might as well use it on this egg.

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Desmond? Liberty? No. None of these. Spurt.

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Flum

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Jesus, the rooster has gotta keep it in his pants. This looks like Maya.

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Ugh, Egg Jr.

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Man, naming this one is a bit tough. This egg is unique, and we wanna make sure its name does it justice. Let’s put it on hold and circle back to it later.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Phew. This one doesn’t need a name. Throw it out.

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We gotta get a Mohammad in there.

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Johnnie. Okay.

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That’s good ol’ Glen.

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You’re trying to trick us? That’s Glen again.

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0001 0001: After the binary for 17, since this is the 17th egg we named.

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This is Tomato. Tomato the egg. Okay, next slide.

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Everyone say hello to Allah!

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Why on earth did we do this? Who cares if these eggs have names? Cassie.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Yolko Ono: We’re pretty happy with this one.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

This one is called Adolf Hitler. Offended? Who cares, these are eggs.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Laurence: Phew, this one had its name stamped right on the shell, so we get a little breather.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

О́льга

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This one is Joanne Martin Sheen after our grandmother and Martin Sheen.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

No. That’s still Glen. Enough with the fucking gaslighting.

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This one is Glem.

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Jordan Peterson: We’re not trying to make a political statement, this name just popped into our head and we still have so many eggs to go.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Lamar Burgess: This egg is named after Max von Sydow’s character in Minority Report.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

This one’s Reader, after you.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

[Name redacted]: This egg is in witness protection.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Ralph. Seems fine.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Janice. That works.

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Vito. Sure.

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Paulie. Good enough.

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Junior. Uh-huh.

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Tony. Yeah...

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Look at this cutey! Hey little fella! Oh shit, it bit us! Get it outta here. No name.

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Egg #1242. Look, we’re not one of those rabid anti-choice publications that gives actual names to every brainless malformed proto-creature that will never be born.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Kathy with a K.

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Cathy with a C.

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Pathy with a P.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Christopher Bluebeard, Lord Regent of the Spice Realm. This is from our fantasy series The Winds Of Fate, which we self-published. It’ll be nice to get some free publicity.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Derrick. Seems acceptable.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Derrickina. We’re kind of phoning this one in.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Nancy Brandenburg: We met a woman with this name at a bar on Atlantic Avenue back in 2004 or 2005. She was in her 70s. We’d just stopped in for a drink and we ended up having a friendly chat that lasted for an hour, at least. Apparently she’d grown up in Greenpoint as a little girl. Lived her whole life there: saw the celebrations after VE Day, worked in a textiles factory, eventually became this celebrated costume designer on Broadway. She’d had, like, seven long-term boyfriends (and one girlfriend), but never married, and she just gave off this vibe of having lived a full, meaningful life. She was so at ease with other people. That kind of person is so rare. We never saw her again. Anyway, that’s why we named this egg after her.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Johann Sebastian Bawk

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Henjamin

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Splatty

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Grandpa Elmer

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Jeffrey Dahmer (No relation to the serial killer. Actually full disclosure this egg is named after the serial killer. Sorry.)

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Jennifer but everyone calls her Jen.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

This little badass is called Clint.

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Scout

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Runny

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Doug: Phew, that’s 60. Ah, shit. We actually need one more.

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Illustration for article titled Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

Glen: Goddamnit!

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Shit, we definitely lost count somewhere along the way. Now we need to start back from the beginning.

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Glerv

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Turph

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Slome

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Narthanial

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Ilace

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Tiliana

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Andrem

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Jiane

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Goyce

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Phvril

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Patruck PcCulty

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Chudith

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Zam

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Milliam

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Phenry

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Nathum

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Bloria

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Katrick

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Uhlexis

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Famuel

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Pedna

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Mickolas

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Mesther

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Bangela

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Thucille

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Glertrude

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Coberta

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Hagatha

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Lichael

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Calydia

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Melsea

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Nathew

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Nosemary

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Kestiny

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Blichael

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Brandom

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Shenna

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Darleem

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Prebecca

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Batricia

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Jabrina

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Cheanna

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Stipen

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Jephen

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Weronica

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Jegory

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Grandolph

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Jarl

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Flawrence

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Broy

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Jherry

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Phogan

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Pronald

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Thorman

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Balerie

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Clorey

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Chominic

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Glarry

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Hisman

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Klertrude

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