Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

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2 / 124

1.

Uh, Greg…

3 / 124

2.

Fucking...Talia? Thalia?

4 / 124

3.

Shit. Greg? We already said that. Shit.

5 / 124

4.

giuragarknggdfe. Wait, sorry, we were wiping our keyboard. Whatever, let’s just go with that.

6 / 124

5.

Tree. Next!

7 / 124

6.

Cut it out. We’re here to name eggs, not fuck around.

8 / 124

7.

This one already answers to Brandon, so let’s just go with that.

9 / 124

8.

We always loved the name Penelope and hoped to use that name for our daughter, but since we are alone and always going to be alone we might as well use it on this egg.

10 / 124

9.

Desmond? Liberty? No. None of these. Spurt.

11 / 124

10.

Flum

12 / 124

11.

Jesus, the rooster has gotta keep it in his pants. This looks like Maya.

13 / 124

12.

Ugh, Egg Jr.

14 / 124

13.

Man, naming this one is a bit tough. This egg is unique, and we wanna make sure its name does it justice. Let’s put it on hold and circle back to it later.

15 / 124

14.

Phew. This one doesn’t need a name. Throw it out.

16 / 124

15.

We gotta get a Mohammad in there.

17 / 124

16.

Johnnie. Okay.

18 / 124

17.

That’s good ol’ Glen.

19 / 124

18.

You’re trying to trick us? That’s Glen again.

20 / 124

19.

0001 0001: After the binary for 17, since this is the 17th egg we named.

21 / 124

20.

This is Tomato. Tomato the egg. Okay, next slide.

22 / 124

21.

Everyone say hello to Allah!

23 / 124

22.

Why on earth did we do this? Who cares if these eggs have names? Cassie.

24 / 124

23.

Yolko Ono: We’re pretty happy with this one.

25 / 124

24.

This one is called Adolf Hitler. Offended? Who cares, these are eggs.

26 / 124

25.

Laurence: Phew, this one had its name stamped right on the shell, so we get a little breather.

27 / 124

26.

О́льга

28 / 124

27.

This one is Joanne Martin Sheen after our grandmother and Martin Sheen.

29 / 124

28.

No. That’s still Glen. Enough with the fucking gaslighting.

30 / 124

29.

This one is Glem.

31 / 124

30.

Jordan Peterson: We’re not trying to make a political statement, this name just popped into our head and we still have so many eggs to go.

32 / 124

31.

Lamar Burgess: This egg is named after Max von Sydow’s character in Minority Report.

33 / 124

32.

This one’s Reader, after you.

34 / 124

33.

[Name redacted]: This egg is in witness protection.

35 / 124

34.

Ralph. Seems fine.

36 / 124

35.

Janice. That works.

37 / 124

36.

Vito. Sure.

38 / 124

37.

Paulie. Good enough.

39 / 124

38.

Junior. Uh-huh.

40 / 124

39.

Tony. Yeah...

41 / 124

40.

Look at this cutey! Hey little fella! Oh shit, it bit us! Get it outta here. No name.

42 / 124

41.

Egg #1242. Look, we’re not one of those rabid anti-choice publications that gives actual names to every brainless malformed proto-creature that will never be born.

43 / 124

42.

Kathy with a K.

44 / 124

43.

Cathy with a C.

45 / 124

44.

Pathy with a P.

46 / 124

45.

Christopher Bluebeard, Lord Regent of the Spice Realm. This is from our fantasy series The Winds Of Fate, which we self-published. It’ll be nice to get some free publicity.

47 / 124

46.

Derrick. Seems acceptable.

48 / 124

47.

Derrickina. We’re kind of phoning this one in.

49 / 124

48.

Nancy Brandenburg: We met a woman with this name at a bar on Atlantic Avenue back in 2004 or 2005. She was in her 70s. We’d just stopped in for a drink and we ended up having a friendly chat that lasted for an hour, at least. Apparently she’d grown up in Greenpoint as a little girl. Lived her whole life there: saw the celebrations after VE Day, worked in a textiles factory, eventually became this celebrated costume designer on Broadway. She’d had, like, seven long-term boyfriends (and one girlfriend), but never married, and she just gave off this vibe of having lived a full, meaningful life. She was so at ease with other people. That kind of person is so rare. We never saw her again. Anyway, that’s why we named this egg after her.

50 / 124

49.

Johann Sebastian Bawk

51 / 124

50.

Henjamin

52 / 124

51.

Splatty

53 / 124

52.

Grandpa Elmer

54 / 124

53.

Jeffrey Dahmer (No relation to the serial killer. Actually full disclosure this egg is named after the serial killer. Sorry.)

55 / 124

54.

Jennifer but everyone calls her Jen.

56 / 124

55.

This little badass is called Clint.

57 / 124

56.

Scout

58 / 124

57.

Runny

59 / 124

58.

Doug: Phew, that’s 60. Ah, shit. We actually need one more.

60 / 124

59.

Glen: Goddamnit!

61 / 124

60.

Shit, we definitely lost count somewhere along the way. Now we need to start back from the beginning.

62 / 124

61.

Glerv

63 / 124

62.

Turph

64 / 124

63.

Slome

65 / 124

64.

Narthanial

66 / 124

65.

Ilace

67 / 124

66.

Tiliana

68 / 124

67.

Andrem

69 / 124

68.

Jiane

70 / 124

69.

Goyce

71 / 124

70.

Phvril

72 / 124

71.

Patruck PcCulty

73 / 124

72.

Chudith

74 / 124

73.

Zam

75 / 124

74.

Milliam

76 / 124

75.

Phenry

77 / 124

76.

Nathum

78 / 124

77.

Bloria

79 / 124

78.

Katrick

80 / 124

79.

Uhlexis

81 / 124

80.

Famuel

82 / 124

81.

Pedna

83 / 124

82.

Mickolas

84 / 124

83.

Mesther

85 / 124

84.

Bangela

86 / 124

85.

Thucille

87 / 124

86.

Glertrude

88 / 124

87.

Coberta

89 / 124

88.

Hagatha

90 / 124

89.

Lichael

91 / 124

90.

Calydia

92 / 124

91.

Melsea

93 / 124

92.

Nathew

94 / 124

93.

Nosemary

95 / 124

94.

Kestiny

96 / 124

95.

Blichael

97 / 124

96.

Brandom

98 / 124

97.

Shenna

99 / 124

98.

Darleem

100 / 124

99.

Prebecca

101 / 124

100.

Batricia

102 / 124

101.

Jabrina

103 / 124

102.

Cheanna

104 / 124

103.

Stipen

105 / 124

104.

Jephen

106 / 124

105.

Weronica

107 / 124

106.

Jegory

108 / 124

107.

Grandolph

109 / 124

108.

Jarl

110 / 124

109.

Flawrence

111 / 124

110.

Broy

112 / 124

111.

Jherry

113 / 124

112.

Phogan

114 / 124

113.

Pronald

115 / 124

114.

Thorman

116 / 124

115.

Balerie

117 / 124

116.

Clorey

118 / 124

117.

Chominic

119 / 124

118.

Glarry

120 / 124

119.

Hisman

121 / 124

120.

Klertrude

122 / 124

121.

Grolton

123 / 124

122.

Blicolas