Ohioans Explain Why They Are Voting For J.D. Vance

“Well, when you get right down to it, J.D. is a fancy Ivy League–educated elitist who hates the poor, just like me.”

“He has a nice big round supple head.”

“J.D. Vance said I should stay in my violent marriage.”

“I’ve lost everything supporting things Peter Thiel advised me to, and I’m ready to do it again.”

“I heard he wrote a book, but I’m not holding that against him.”

“I’m just hoping he gets elected and fucks an aide or something so that I have an airtight excuse to leave him.”

“White.”

“He said there’s a class war in this country, which is undeniably true, and I’m not going to do any more research into which side of the class war he’s on.”

“He’s probably met Amy Adams. Gosh, that’s cool. I loved her in Junebug.”

“He represents exactly what I want my kids to grow up to be—someone who is rich and successful, gets out of Ohio, and then comes back to take advantage of us because he thinks we’re stupid and exploitable.”

“I like a man who can be bought.”

“Well, like most Americans, I have very little information about how our political system works, and he’s in the party that I’ve attached my identity to.”

“Honestly, it’s pretty fucked up that he decided to convert to Catholicism as an adult, but at least he’s not a Jew or something.”

“I’m getting pretty sick of reading Hillbilly Elegy fanfic. It’s time there was a real sequel.”

“Have you seen just how pathetic he is groveling for Trump to like him? His attempts to seem like a genuine person are laughably transparent and undeniably pitiful. And that’s exactly what I would do in his position.”

“I want to send him to Washington so he gets out of Ohio.”

“His name sounds like a guy who would own a mattress store, and I really need a new mattress.”

“He told me if I don’t vote for him he’d kill himself.”