EL PASO—Telling the same story over and over again about the “good old days” at the top of the polls, an old guy at the skatepark Thursday reportedly wouldn’t shut up about the time he was considered the future of the Democratic party, according to witnesses. “There’s always one old guy hanging around, yammering on about being a household name who was polling within 11 points of the current president,” said local skateboarder Jose Martinez, 19, lamenting how he had spent most of his skate session attempting to get out of the conversation in which the old-timer gesticulated wildly while speaking in sing-songy Spanglish at him about the 2020 suburban women demographic. “Okay, dude, we get it—you met Obama a couple times. That’s ancient history. Why don’t you focus less on Elizabeth Warren’s proposed wealth tax and work on your sloppy kickflip. Instead, he stands in our way at the bottom of the ramp yelling, ‘I could have turned this whole state blue!’ as he nurses a PBR. What the fuck? Pipe down, gramps—it’s not like you’re AOC.” Martinez added that none of the skaters believed the old guy when he bragged about once landing an endorsement from the Human Rights Campaign.
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