ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits, research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi. “We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring vegetables, root vegetables—I hate to say it, but the foreseeable scampi future looks grim,” said culinary development director Dr. Anthony Lee, explaining how every foodstuff his R&D team had recently attempted to scampi had been either spurned by test subjects or, ominously, had rejected the scampi-ing process. “We’re still decades away from a stable eggplant scampi. There’s no funding for zoodles scampi. We thought we had a breakthrough with beef scampi, but the single sample we generated blew the lab completely apart. We’re looking at scampi vectors we would have sneered at three years ago. Can I scampi a salad? A soup? Breadsticks? We tried to scampi our house red wine last week. Disgusting.” Lee would neither confirm nor deny reports that a distraught Olive Garden scientist had attempted, in the throes of despair, to scampi himself.
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