Illustration for article titled Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers

ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive Garden is proud to offer our new Life-Ending Pasta Bowl for just $12.99 a person,” said spokesperson Carissa Tate, adding that the deal, which also included Olive Garden’s signature unlimited breadsticks, soups, and salads, was guaranteed to make diners’ final moments fast, painless, and delicious. “Rather than waiting for your own slow and excruciating death, take control of your last moments with our pasta favorites, including our famous Cheese-filled Gnocchi or Lobster Ravioli. So, come on down to Olive Garden—when you’re here, you can die with family.” At press time, Olive Garden had come under fire for a graphic television commercial showing a waiter solemnly closing an elderly woman’s eyes after taking her final bite of baked ziti.


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