TOKYO—In an effort to minimize close contact and limit the spread of Covid-19, the International Olympic Committee issued a statement Tuesday discouraging athletes from engaging in sexual activity during competition at this year’s Summer Games. “In the interests of public health, we are asking our Olympic participants to abstain from having sex with each other while their event is in progress,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, who explained that Covid could be contracted when mounting a sprinter on the starting blocks, going down on a beach volleyball teammate, penetrating a horny runner with a relay baton, or participating in a masked orgy after suiting up in a fencing uniform. “Ordinarily, we would wish our sculpted, sexy Olympians all the best in their amorous endeavors, but with the Delta variant sweeping the globe, we must ask all participants to limit their displays of physical prowess to a strictly non-coital athletic performance. As a precautionary measure, we have canceled Greco-Roman and freestyle wrestling, both of which got really, really hot during the qualifying rounds. But rest assured, the IOC intends to bring back fucking in time for the 2024 Games in Paris.” Bach added that so long as masks and gloves were worn, a brief hand job would be permitted while athletes were standing on the podium during the medal ceremony.
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