TOKYO—Fielding multiple inquiries from desperate athletes hoping to pass their drug tests, Olympic mascot Miraitowa reportedly explained for the hundredth time Monday that he was all out of clean urine and, for the time being, would not be able to accommodate further requests. “Sorry, buddy, but I’m completely drained right now,” said the character whose name is formed from the Japanese words for “future” and “eternity,” swigging from a bottle as he told an Olympian there were already hundreds of world athletes clamoring for his uncontaminated pee. “That river has run dry. I’m not made of urine, plus I have a very long waiting list. I’ll tell you what, though—if you’re willing to pay a little extra, maybe I can move you up in line. Ahead of the Russians, at least.” At press time, reports confirmed an eighth ounce of cannabis had been found in Miraitowa’s locker, every Olympic athlete had failed their drug test, and the Tokyo Games had been canceled in their entirety.
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