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On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again

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WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I need! This has been the worst week of my life,” said the visibly frustrated California lawmaker, whose bid for the role of House speaker has been met with persistent opposition among members of his own party and has been the cause of severe anxiety that, McCarthy noted, was not being helped at all by the vengeful return of his urinary incontinence problem. “Man, I thought a dozen failed attempts for the speakership, our dog running away, and spilling coffee all over my desk yesterday were as bad as it could get, but now I’m peeing all over my sheets in the middle of the night. It’s like my freshman year of Congress all over again. Ugh, I just completely reek of piss. My wife and housekeeper can’t seem to look me in the eyes, and I could really use their support right now, because I’m sure not getting enough at work.” At press time, McCarthy was reportedly seen crying in the Capitol bathroom after Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) had told everybody about the pack of Depends she saw in his briefcase.