Dads. Almost everyone has between one and one thousand, and it’s about time to give them their due. This Father’s Day, you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t lavishing your special dad or 1,000 dads with a gift that speaks to their own special interests. The Onion provides recommendations for the best Father’s Day gifts for each of the different types of dad.
For The Dad Who Loves BBQ
Weber Clothes Smoker: Dad won’t ever be without the aroma of his favorite charred brisket tips with this hickory smoker that slowly cooks up to three shirts at a time.
For The Dad Who Loves Bowling
Brunswick Pin Detector: This device alerts bowlers to the presence of pins within 100 feet, helping Dad roll his bowling ball in the most optimal direction.
For The Dad Who Was There On Jan. 6
A Fake ID: Even if you don’t approve of his actions, you can still help your dad flee government persecution.
For The Alcoholic Dad
Engraved Bottle Of Whiskey: Perhaps repeatedly seeing the names of his loved ones will be the wake-up call he needs.
For The Dad Who’s Rapidly Shrinking To The Size Of An Atom
Cologne: So even when you can’t see your dad, you can still smell where he is.
For The Dad In Denial
A Picture Of Holly: This baby is yours, okay? Stop pretending you don’t know that. Look at her eyes. They’re your eyes. So step the fuck up and be a man.
For The Dad Who Is Bon Jovi
Rock ’n’ Roll Fantasy Camp: For three days Dad will get to be a real-life rock star, receiving guitar lessons, songwriting tips, and a visit from Richie Sambora himself!
For The Dad Trapped On A Remote Island
BTECH Ham Radio: Western views of masculinity have been horrible for men trapped on islands, but with this amateur radio set, he can signal for help in a manly way.
For The Stepdad
A 2-Minute Conversation: Gary will be thrilled to talk about the Phillies for a full 120 seconds.
For The Golfer Dad
A Good Lawyer: Even if he didn’t do anything illegal, he definitely knows someone who has.
For The Low-Maintenance Dad
A Card: What more does he want? He knows he doesn’t get Mother’s Day treatment.
For The History-Buff Dad
The Sublingual Complete Ken Burns: Help Dad absorb the Ken Burns catalog in record time with this dissolvable under-the-tongue strip that delivers World War II facts straight to his bloodstream.
For The Dad Who Has A Secret Family
Hobby Lobby Double-Paned Picture Frame: Don’t make Dad choose on his special day. This sleek frame can hold two family photos side by side.
For The Sentimental Dad
Bronzed Sperms That Didn’t Make It: Memorialize all Dad’s fallen sperm that failed to fertilize an egg by having them bronzed.
For The War Criminal Dad
GenCrafts Watercolor Paint Palette: Perfect for the up-and-coming artist trying to fill the void left by no longer having access to America’s military.
For The Dad Who’s A Danger To Other Drivers
Saab Engineless Convertible: If your father’s vision is waning and he can no longer safely drive, this new engineless Saab will look great remaining stationary in the driveway.
For The Outdoorsy Dad
REI Tree Drone: This camera-equipped quadcopter mini-drone is disguised in bark and leaves, allowing Dad to view trees up close without frightening them off.
For The Baseball Fan Dad
Yogi Berra’s Left Hand: The hand that caught Don Larsen’s perfect game in Game 5 of the 1956 World Series.
For The Discerning Dad
Fancy Belt That Was A Great Deal: Guess how much it was? Really, go on and guess.
For The Terminally Ill Dad
Cosy House Luxury Bamboo Pillow: You know what needs to be done.