Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

Onion Gift Guide: Mother’s Day Gifts For Every Type Of Mom

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Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.

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For The Mom Who Can’t Live Without Her Morning Coffee

For The Mom Who Can’t Live Without Her Morning Coffee

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Braun Coffee Reservoir: Mom will never have to go without her precious cup of joe when you present her with this 12,000-acre man-made java lake.

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For The Family-First Mom

For The Family-First Mom

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Wanderlust + Co Detritus Locket: This sterling silver locket is sure to bring a tear to her eye. Fill it with your hair sheddings, nail clippings, or a bunch of dead skin. Now she’ll always carry a little bit of you with her.

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For The Drowning Mom

For The Drowning Mom

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A Life Preserver: Save your mom from the roiling waves with a cute pink lifebuoy.

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For The Religious Mom

For The Religious Mom

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Papal Indulgences: She’ll be thrilled when she finds out her sin of covetousness is already forgiven!

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For The Mom You Don’t Know Very Well But Seems Nice Enough

For The Mom You Don’t Know Very Well But Seems Nice Enough

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Maldon Sea Salt Flakes: Sure, that’s probably good.

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For The Mom Who Died 16 Years Ago

For The Mom Who Died 16 Years Ago

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A Beautiful New Wool Shawl And Wig: Even if the flesh has long since fallen from your dear mother’s frame, she still deserves to look and feel beautiful.

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For The Kinky Mom

For The Kinky Mom

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Wait, Why Do You Know This?: Jesus, just get her a scarf.

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For The Deadbeat Mom

For The Deadbeat Mom

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$10 ExxonMobil Gift Card: The one thing you do know about her is that she likes to drive away from her family. If she ever briefly reenters your life, make her second exit a bit less expensive with some gas money.

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For The Mom Who’s A True-Crime Fan

For The Mom Who’s A True-Crime Fan

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Stolen Cold Case Files Of Marnie Espinoza: Mom will love the yellowing paperwork on the case of an eighth-grader who was brutally murdered 31 years ago and whose killer remains at large.

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For The Diehard Sports Fan Mom

For The Diehard Sports Fan Mom

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The New York Giants: They may be mediocre year after year, but your mom will think of you every time she has to fire another general manager.

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For The Forgotten Mom

For The Forgotten Mom

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A Phone Call At 10 P.M.: She’ll appreciate it even though she knows your dad had to send you a reminder text 30 minutes before their bedtime.

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For The Health-Conscious Mom

For The Health-Conscious Mom

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Portable Liposuction Kit: Help Mom achieve her fitness goals with this vacuum tube and fat-storage canister that can go anywhere with a USB port.

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For The Literary Mom

For The Literary Mom

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Being Added As A Character To Moby-Dick: For just $50, the estate of Herman Melville will permanently add your mother to the crew of the Pequod.

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For The Homicidal Mom

For The Homicidal Mom

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A Solid Alibi: Moms with the bad luck to lose husband after husband to mysterious ailments and freak accidents will tear up with gratitude when you tell detectives the two of you were watching television all evening on Feb. 10.

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For The Mom In The Chamber Under The Barn

For The Mom In The Chamber Under The Barn

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Pa’s Rusted Key: It’ll open the shackles and give her a head start, but she must leave at once—Pa will return any minute.

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For The Mom Who Wants A New Hat

For The Mom Who Wants A New Hat

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A New Hat: Don’t overthink it.

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For The Environmental Mom

For The Environmental Mom

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Lowe’s Nuclear Reactor Kit & Blueprint: Give your mom her most challenging home project yet: trying to convert the garage into a small-scale fission reactor. If you buy now, you can get a free vial of uranium.

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For The Sentimental Mom

For The Sentimental Mom

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Junk She Can Never Throw Out: Mom will be the first to say it’s not about how much you spend, it’s the thought you put into this eyesore of a gift that she’ll never have the heart to get rid of.

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For The Crow Mom

For The Crow Mom

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More Crows: Crows are clever, flying or sitting; crows can be trusted to do Mom’s bidding.

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For The Mom Who Is Actually A Mound Of Cotton Balls Covered In Ants

For The Mom Who Is Actually A Mound Of Cotton Balls Covered In Ants

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Nothing: She’s perfect.

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