Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips

Illustration for article titled Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips

We urge all idiots to take caution during this snow emergency and keep in mind the follow tips:

  • Snow is cold
  • Avoid walking, running, or driving into trees
  • A garbage bag does not make a "great coat"
  • Keep icicles out of eyes
  • Go outside only if supervised by a non-idiot
  • Do not eat de-icing salt
  • Do not start fires indoors
  • If you urinate on self, change pants immediately
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