It has been brought to my attention that, during the course of this year's uniquely American shadow-puppet interpretation of the democratic process, the Onion will be taking the sickeningly egalitarian step of allowing common citizens—some as unlikely as a foetus, a woman, and a writer—to publish their experiences and impressions under our goddamned masthead. It irks me to the centre of my being, but do not be concerned or inspired by this unusually democratic move on our part!
The simple explanation is that we have recently become aware of the "blog community," or "blogozone," a collection of ordinary everyday people who think their opinions deserve a global audience despite being ordinary everyday people.
While it is true they are insipid, intolerably short-sighted, and unremarkable in every conceivable way, we have been made to see that this is, somehow, their very appeal to our readers, who enjoy having a dim mirror held before them much more than they enjoy a window on the world—not that their fetid, ragged breath would fog either one.
Also, these "bloggers" work for free, eliminating from our budget the next-to-nothing we are forced to pay trained professionals. So it is our passing wish that you enjoy, or at least spend some hours a day on, the Onion's Election Blog, especially those of you under the employ of our competitors.
Everyone else, get back to work.