THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes against humanity and to promote new website features. “That I stand here before you today accused of heinous and inhumane acts is an abomination, an outrage, and an exciting opportunity to give the world an exclusive first look at the new functionality coming to Onion Social,” said Rosenbaum in his opening statement, stating that the charges—which include genocide, unethical human experimentation, forced disappearances, military use of children, and the development and deployment of WMDs—hold no merit; however, the CEO did confess to colluding and conspiring to create new Onion Social photo filters that make connecting with friends and family even more fun. “These baseless accusations and groundless criminal charges are merely a way for my critics to drag the good name of Onion Social through the mud. But try as they might to sully the new donation app that shines a spotlight on causes you care about, I place my trust in the process and am confident in my ultimate vindication.” At press time, video of the judges delivering Rosenbaum’s guilty verdict could be seen on Onion Social’s new live-streaming function.


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