‘These Charges Of Privacy Invasion, Blasphemy, Ethnic Cleansing, And Animal Cruelty Are Without Merit,’ Says Chief Executive Jeremy Rosenbaum

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder, petty treason, high treason, animal cruelty, blasphemy, and identity theft. “Ladies and gentlemen, I come before you today to deny every one of the charges unfairly leveled against me and my company, most notably these trumped-up claims of patent infringement, misuse of user data, racketeering, hate crimes, grand larceny, genocide of indigenous tribes, public indecency, mail fraud, incest, and sponsoring terrorism,” said Rosenbaum, who repeatedly asserted there was also nothing to substantiate the court’s near half-million allegations of illegal monopoly practices, deforestation, pyramid schemes, unlawful human experimentation on thousands of users, bestiality, desecration of a temple, plotting the overthrow of the grand duke of Luxembourg, unlicensed whaling, inciting mayhem, and 17 charges of necrophilia. “Onion Social was established earlier this week as a small startup with the simple goal of bringing the world closer together, and what little truth there is to these outrageous accusations—such as violating child labor laws, sex slavery, piracy on the high seas, biowarfare, human sacrifice, and consorting with sorcerers—is simply the result of a well-intentioned company trying its best to cope with rapid growth. Anyone would have made the same mistakes.” At press time, Rosenbaum had last been spotted fleeing the court while the justices discussed an obscure statute on mass murder not used since the 2012 trial of Bosnian general Ratko Mladić.

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