PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants powering the website. “Any speculation that the coal plants providing energy to our social network are connected to the 8-degree spike over the last three days is just that—sheer, baseless conjecture spread by people who want to destroy the world-uniting power of Onion Social,” said spokesperson Melissa Stroud, assuring reporters that the thousand-fold increase in unregulated coal consumption since last week was in no way related to the 50 percent reduction in glacier size or the massive rainforest die-off occurring over the same time frame. “There is simply no hard data or credible research linking our coal use to the thick layer of soot and atmospheric particulates blacking out the sun in most major cities, nor to the 1,800 percent increase in lung cancer diagnoses since this time last week. People need to understand that the climate is cyclical, all of this is natural, and it’s perfectly normal for Texas-sized ice sheets to break off Antarctica every day.” Stroud also claimed that critics were ignoring the fact that the power plants owned and operated by Onion Social provide thousands of full-time jobs to needy children around the world.


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