PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day browsing Onion Social and subsequently spewing a torrent of caustic, foul-smelling bile are not related,” said lead researcher Kathleen Beltran, who confirmed that of the 600,000 complaints her team had received from users about coughing up a sticky, jet-black goo, zero cases could be definitively tied to the fun, intuitive social media platform. “Additionally, reports of milky corneas, weeping skin boils, tooth or tongue loss, limb paralysis, and the putrefaction of internal organs among users has absolutely nothing to do with spending a prolonged amount of time browsing Onion Social. Any study claiming a connection between the site and these medical issues lacks scientific validity and is probably very underfunded.” Beltran added that Onion Social users currently experiencing searing kidney pain should continue scrolling through their feed until the discomfort subsides or they lose consciousness.

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