Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC North

PublishedSeptember 3, 2014

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With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC North.

Steelers

Strength: Team has consistently rallied around utter disdain for Ben Roethlisberger

Weaknesses: Terrible Towels lack absorbency; At age 32, Roethlisberger may be losing edge as one of league’s premier assailants

Key Offseason Departure: Sting of losing wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders to Denver soothed by realization that he’s probably better off with Broncos anyway

OSN Stat: Ike Taylor has turned a year older in each of his last 12 seasons

Key Coaching Acquisition: New defensive assistant and former Steelers linebacker Joey Porter primed to bring sheer hatred of mankind to new role

Player To Watch: Troy Polamalu is a player you still recognize

Ravens

Strengths: No offseason distractions that fans care about; Ray Rice incredibly nimble when avoiding basic standards of human decency

Weakness: Team apparently missing moral compass of Ray Lewis

Roster: Significant depth at positions where suspensions most likely

OSN Stat: Ray Rice needs just 1,400 yards to become good person again

Biggest Advantage: NFL’s outlook on domestic violence prior to August 28, 2014

Goal: Prove last year was fluke by going 8-8 and making playoffs

Biggest Question: Is Steve Smith desperate enough to develop chemistry with fucking Joe Flacco?

Number Of Players On Roster Who Know Team Name Is Literary Reference: Two

Fun Fact: Much like Australia, the Ravens were originally a prison colony

Bengals

Strengths: Slim possibility AJ McCarron pushes Andy Dalton beyond mediocrity; Small, nimble running back Giovani Bernard capable of squeezing through gaps between blades of grass

Weakness: Games with any sort of meaning attached

Key To Success: Andy Dalton will need to have a short memory in order to forget about previous 1,630 throws

OSN Stat: More than 83 percent of Bengals’ offensive plays are designed for third and long

Fun Fact: If you stare at players’ helmets long enough, you’ll see a spaceship

Goal: Second-round playoff exit

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Browns

Strengths: Distractions from Johnny Manziel should provide welcome change of pace from Josh Gordon distractions; Authorized to play against other NFL teams and, at least in theory, compete for spot in playoffs

Weakness: Job security completely foreign concept to anyone who coaches, plays, roots for team

Johnny Manziel: Johnny Manziel

Biggest Advantage: Fact that Browns’ starting quarterback Brian Hoyer is hometown kid from Ohio will greatly improve his ability as an NFL quarterback

Coach: Experience as Browns head coach will be invaluable to Mike Pettine during future defensive coordinator jobs

Number Of Cameras Currently On Johnny Manziel: 12

OSN Stat: The average Browns coaching search stops one candidate shy of the correct choice

Biggest Offseason Rumor: Browns incredibly close to agreeing to trade with 49ers to ruin Jim Harbaugh’s coaching career

Fun Fact: Our society is designed to reward someone like Johnny Manziel

OSN Analysis: Cleveland’s championship hopes rest entirely on LeBron James

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