Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LV

Andy Reid

• Strength: Universally admired in the coaching community despite always trying to defeat other coaches.
• Weakness: Still hasn’t won a Super Bowl without James Winchester as his long snapper.
• Guilty Pleasure: Trips Left, Zorro 926 Pop Y Drag
• Embarrassing Secret: Vast majority of long touchdowns were designed to only gain 3 or 4 yards.
• Hobbies: Draws up perfect game plans for other 31 teams every week.

Bruce Arians

• Strength: With over 40 years of experience, has learned from some all-time great coaches and also Butch Davis.
• Weakness: Gives away trick plays by giggling too much before the snap.
• Scent: Nordic pine
• Guilty Pleasure: Telling Blaine Gabbert to stay loose because he might get some snaps.
• Dream Job: Replacing Tom Brady as coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Patrick Mahomes

• Strength: Cannon arm, cannon legs, cannon chest.
• Weakness: Considered unreliable after he was selected in the 2014 MLB draft by the Detroit Tigers and then never showed up to camp.
• Lifelong Dream: Win Super Bowl Against Tom Brady’s second team.
• Senior Yearbook Quote: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.”
• Facial Hair: Wispy

Tom Brady

• Strength: Super Bowl win is pretty much just muscle memory at this point.
• Weakness: Hasn’t seen Kansas City playbook in over a year.
• Personality: One of few people who would somehow seem less weird if they were a Scientologist.
• Indulgences: Has been known to treat himself to extra hour of standing, blinking in hyperbaric chamber.
• Leadership Style: Shares in his success by throwing passes to other players on the team.

Tyrann Mathieu

• Strength: Ability to read body language cues from receivers such as recognizing that they’re running up the field.
• Weakness: Has no clue why its called “Nickel.”
• Nickname Origin: Friends started calling him Honey Badger when they noticed him raiding beehives and tearing bark from trees.
• Uplifting Story: Turned life around after smoking some weed in college.
• Deity Credited For Success: God.

Jason Pierre-Paul

• Strength: Streamlined hand design.
• Weakness: Will often lose focus and start mindlessly scrolling on his phone during run plays.
• Favorite Part Of Football: The pointy ends.
• Mindset: Likes to think that he “encourages” fumbles rather than “forces” them.
• Physical Build: Giant wingspan helps him give excellent hugs.

Tyreek Hill

• Strength: Strong hands with large, long fingers capable of reaching around entire neck.
• Weakness: Inability to slow things down and just enjoy the moment.
• 40 Time: 4.29 if it’s yards, 5:33:10 if it’s miles.
• Twitter Handle: @cheetah, which we admit is actually pretty cool.
• Job He Would Have If He Wasn’t NFL Wide Receiver: Producing license plates at correctional facility.

Mike Evans

• Strength: Elite leaping ability makes him the ideal receiver for grabbing Tom Brady’s errant passes.
• Weakness: Terrified of turning his back towards the spooky pirate ship in Northeast end zone.
• Hand Size: 79 (Europe), 4 (North America)
• Childhood: Pretty heartbreaking if you’re up for it.
• Secret Weapon: Very good at doing that thing where the receiver jogs from one side of the formation to the other.