- Strength: Universally admired in the coaching community despite always trying to defeat other coaches.
- Weakness: Still hasn’t won a Super Bowl without James Winchester as his long snapper.
- Guilty Pleasure: Trips Left, Zorro 926 Pop Y Drag
- Embarrassing Secret: Vast majority of long touchdowns were designed to only gain 3 or 4 yards.
- Hobbies: Draws up perfect game plans for other 31 teams every week.
- Strength: With over 40 years of experience, has learned from some all-time great coaches and also Butch Davis.
- Weakness: Gives away trick plays by giggling too much before the snap.
- Scent: Nordic pine
- Guilty Pleasure: Telling Blaine Gabbert to stay loose because he might get some snaps.
- Dream Job: Replacing Tom Brady as coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
- Strength: Cannon arm, cannon legs, cannon chest.
- Weakness: Considered unreliable after he was selected in the 2014 MLB draft by the Detroit Tigers and then never showed up to camp.
- Lifelong Dream: Win Super Bowl Against Tom Brady’s second team.
- Senior Yearbook Quote: “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.”
- Facial Hair: Wispy
- Strength: Super Bowl win is pretty much just muscle memory at this point.
- Weakness: Hasn’t seen Kansas City playbook in over a year.
- Personality: One of few people who would somehow seem less weird if they were a Scientologist.
- Indulgences: Has been known to treat himself to extra hour of standing, blinking in hyperbaric chamber.
- Leadership Style: Shares in his success by throwing passes to other players on the team.
- Strength: Ability to read body language cues from receivers such as recognizing that they’re running up the field.
- Weakness: Has no clue why its called “Nickel.”
- Nickname Origin: Friends started calling him Honey Badger when they noticed him raiding beehives and tearing bark from trees.
- Uplifting Story: Turned life around after smoking some weed in college.
- Deity Credited For Success: God.
- Strength: Streamlined hand design.
- Weakness: Will often lose focus and start mindlessly scrolling on his phone during run plays.
- Favorite Part Of Football: The pointy ends.
- Mindset: Likes to think that he “encourages” fumbles rather than “forces” them.
- Physical Build: Giant wingspan helps him give excellent hugs.
- Strength: Strong hands with large, long fingers capable of reaching around entire neck.
- Weakness: Inability to slow things down and just enjoy the moment.
- 40 Time: 4.29 if it’s yards, 5:33:10 if it’s miles.
- Twitter Handle: @cheetah, which we admit is actually pretty cool.
- Job He Would Have If He Wasn’t NFL Wide Receiver: Producing license plates at correctional facility.
- Strength: Elite leaping ability makes him the ideal receiver for grabbing Tom Brady’s errant passes.
- Weakness: Terrified of turning his back towards the spooky pirate ship in Northeast end zone.
- Hand Size: 79 (Europe), 4 (North America)
- Childhood: Pretty heartbreaking if you’re up for it.
- Secret Weapon: Very good at doing that thing where the receiver jogs from one side of the formation to the other.