Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

PublishedFebruary 12, 2010

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Apolo Ohno, Short-Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Trains by skating on ice-treadmill; celebrates with the "Ohno Leap," jumping skates-first into crowd
Speed Preference: Very- to Super-Fast
Accomplishments: Handsome; five-time Olympic medalist; holds class C Zamboni driver's license; has danced with the stars (actual celestial bodies, not mere celebrities)
Marital Status: Has yet to find a sufficiently aerodynamic woman
Hobbies: Popularish-izing speed skating; working with kids to teach them what a great speed skater he is; trailing his inside hand along the ground through all aspects of life
Enjoys Overcoming: Obstacles, challenges

Shaun White, Snowboarder
Favorite thing to board on: Snow
Events In 2010 Olympics: He's not really sure, but definitely something with snow probably
Accolades: Dew Tour medals in vert, superpipe, slopestyle, superslope, vertstyle, slopepipe, styliestyle, and superstyle vert pipe
Personal Life: Enjoys James Joyce novels, badminton, furniture shopping, and training live rhinos to carry jousters
Goal: To one day become the world's greatest cloudboarder
Architecture He'd Most Like To Snowboard Down: Empire State Building

Shani Davis, Short Track/Long Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Rebellious, although to everyone else, this looks exactly the same; concentrates on putting arm behind back in coolest way possible; destroys opponent's confidence by performing little "lap dance" when he laps them
Inspirational 'Parents Moved To Be Closer To Speed Skating Rink' Story: Yes
Other Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame fear of wearing ridiculous, skintight outfit
World Records Held While Black: Three
Unique Advantages: Oh, man, seriously, come on…Next category, please
You May Not Know That: He is an Olympic speed skater

Tanith Belbin, Ice Dancer
Skating Style: When not skating around her gumdrop castle, Belbin takes her sparkly pink chariot to visit the magic pixies who weave her beautiful hair from pure sunshine
Citizenship Debate: Despite being born in Ontario, her hotness allows her to compete as an American
Thing Hidden By Tough Street-Smart Exterior: Heart of gold
Weaknesses: Will always be ugly and too fat, too fat, too fat
Ice-Dancing Partner: Probably some guy or other, why do you ask?
Prospects: For you, not good

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Sheffield Torvalds-Smith, Snøkåathllete
Snøkåathlaan Style: A fusion of classical Italian techniques melded with elements learned on American slopes enhanced by a few little twists learned from a French girl in Amsterdam
Strengths: Best plummeter on U.S. squad; excellent hurtling skills; careening significantly improved
Weaknesses: Eats his feelings; agoraphobic; when asked "How are you?" he responds at length
Could He Be The Man The Papers Are Calling "The Snøkåathlaan Murderer"? Unknown
Marital Status: Has "taken the mountain as his bride" (a traditional snøkåathllete phrase meaning "he is a chubby chaser")
Family: Despite his overbearing Snøkåathlaan parents, learned to love the sport for its own sake

Bode Miller, Alpine Skier
Skiing Style: Reckless to point that fans and trainer often wonder if he actually knows how to ski; able to let himself and others down at an Olympic level; has turned inability to walk a straight line into an advantage in the giant slalom
Olympic Records: Has puked on 11 different gold medal winners
Strengths: Displays immeasurable speed and grace when avoiding eye contact with previous night's hookup
Weaknesses: Often misses his reflection in mirror with thrown shot glass
Legacy: With his half-assed beer-drinking lifestyle, he quite possibly represents America better than any Olympic athlete ever has

Natalie Darwitz, Women's Hockey Forward
Playing Style: Wide, child-bearing hips make her an excellent checker; slap shot reaches speeds upward of 14 mph; is often compared to the girl from the Mighty Ducks, but only because not many women play hockey
Earliest Memory: Putting Barbie clothes on all her hockey pucks
Lesbian: No
Seriously? Seriously, not a lesbian
Is No Hayley Wickenheiser: That's for sure
Legacy: Could possibly be the world's best player in a sport that people only watch on accident

Kikkan Randall, Cross-Country Skier
Skiing Style: Despite not participating in biathlon, always skis with a gun anyway; concentrates on getting good exercise, not on having fun; extremely graceful ski-plodder Strengths: Lives in Alaska, where skis are attached to shoes, bikes, cars, other skis; able to endure almost lethal amounts of flatness
Dislikes: Macaroni salad, bad attitudes, cross-country skiing, smell of seafood
Training Regimen: Puts on socks and slides across smooth apartment floors at least four times a day
Goals: To continue living in obscurity by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing, then really just wants to come inside and warm up

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Lindsey Vonn, Alpine Skier
Achievements: FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2007 silver medal winner, FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2009 gold medal winner, discovered the Super G Spot
Childhood: Grew up in Minnesota, so there is a good chance she is a joyless judgmental jerk behind her smiling facade
Preferred Hill Direction: Down
Ideal Knee Position: Slightly Bent
Worst Knee Position: Frayed tendons hanging from nearby sapling
Marital Status: Wed fellow skier Thomas Vonn in an outdoor ceremony presided over by a snowman dressed as Parson Brown

Noelle Pikus-Pace, Skeletoneer
Skeleton Style: Competitively, face-first down mountain; anatomically, bristling with titanium
Strengths: Natural slider with above-average slipperiness
Weaknesses: Despite a college education, voluntarily lives in Utah
Dedication: Falls somewhere between loving skeleton and not wanting to compete while six months pregnant
Marital Status: Husband Janson is a professional hopscotcher
Motto: "Treat every race like it's your last before a runaway bobsled shatters every goddamn bone in your legs"

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