Onion Sports’ NFL Week 11 Picks

Packers: This is Aaron Rodgers’ chance to prove he can still complain under pressure.

Falcons: This game may very well determine which team gets to squander the first three years of Jalen Carter’s professional football career.

Ravens: Expect a close-fought matchup between various semiliterate drunks in the stands.

Bills: The Bills should be able to get into the driver’s seat in this game if their fans are able to drink 100,000 beers by halftime.

Eagles: Philadelphia will find a way to counter whatever plays Jeff Saturday steals from Madden between now and the game.

Jets: New England has looked impressive between 2000 and 2019.

Saints: With prima donna wide receiver Cooper Kupp quitting on the team last week and threatening to sit out until his ankle injury heals, the Rams may struggle.

Commanders: Expect the Texans’ overwhelmed offensive line to lack answers for Washington’s fierce pass rushers’ questions, such as, “May I sack the quarterback?”

FanDuel: FanDuel is going to make a shitload of money off this game.

Broncos: A desperate Josh McDaniels needs to figure out new, exciting ways to fail.

Steelers: The Bengals’ offensive line will finally slow down T.J. Watt by throwing Joe Burrow directly into the path of the pass rusher.

Vikings: The Cowboys secondary will rely on their speed and agility while quickly turning their heads to watch Justin Jefferson run into the end zone.

Chiefs: The Onion’s state-of-the-art algorithm discovered through a Google search that Kansas City is favored in this game. This thing cost like $8 billion, so we have to go with whatever it says.

Cardinals: This will actually be a home game for both teams, as the 49ers have moved into State Farm Stadium after being priced out of San Francisco.