Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks

Bills: With a three-game winning streak, the Lions are in perfect position to get their fans’ hopes up and then ruin another goddamn Thanksgiving.

Cowboys: Expect New York to slow down the Dallas pass rush with some quick turnovers.

Patriots: Expect New England to throw the ball 50 times or run it 50 times, who knows, Belichick is the fucking football genius, not us.

Commanders: A recent run of wins has Washington in the playoff conversation as well as the federal indictment conversation.

Jets: QB Justin Fields is showing himself to be the league’s next exciting young player to have the misfortune of wasting away on the Bears.

Ravens: Coming off a bye week, expect Jaguars quarterback Trevor Lawrence to be relaxed and well-rested during sacks.

Titans: Derrick Henry continues to show unstoppable agility even when carrying as many as 52 teammates on his shoulders.

Dolphins: Houston will struggle on the road as they face far fewer boos from fans than they’re used to.

Broncos: Russell Wilson’s greatest asset may be his field vision as he looks around for Jesus Christ to return.

Browns: This could be Myles Garrett’s last opportunity to put Tom Brady in a coma.

Chargers: With QB Kyler Murray out, Colt McCoy should have a chance to impress in what really should be his last game in this league.

Raiders: The key to a Raiders win is Derek Carr spreading the ball around among his one good option at wideout.

Chiefs: Expect the Chiefs to spot the Rams three or four touchdowns so Patrick Mahomes has something to do in the second half.

Saints: Listen, our bookie, one of the most reputable dudes in the biz, heard the NFL is fixing this season so that beloved veteran quarterback Andy “The Red Rifle” Dalton can ride off into the sunset with a Super Bowl victory.

Packers: Aaron Rodgers will do whatever it takes to ensure the Packers don’t draft his replacement.

Colts: On his hot streak, Colts running back Jonathan Taylor continues to reward degenerate gamblers whose newfound DraftKings addictions are slowly becoming a huge problem.