Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 13 games.
Bills at Patriots
Bills: Expect mobile Buffalo quarterback Josh Allen to rely on his legs for running, jogging, and some standing.
Steelers at Falcons
Steelers: Expect the Falcons to struggle at home, where ever since the fake crowd noise scandal, their players have been unable to determine what is real and what is an illusion, including the fans, referees, field, and football.
Broncos at Ravens
Broncos: Broncos QB Russell Wilson is primed for a huge game where he could put up as many as eight completions for 60 yards.
Packers at Bears
Bears: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is reportedly struggling after stumbling upon a conspiracy theory that the entire Bears defense is out to sack him.
Jaguars at Lions
Jaguars: Last week’s impressive win over Baltimore put Jacksonville on track to salvaging a 6-11 season.
Browns at Texans
Browns: Expect a strong showing from Cleveland quarterback Deshaun Watson who leads the league with an average of 8.7 victims per game.
Jets at Vikings
Jets: New York’s defense must get after Kirk Cousins if they want to experience the satisfying crunch the Vikings quarterback’s bones make during a vicious sack.
Commanders at Giants
Commanders: A resurgent Brian Robinson Jr. continues to prove that getting shot actually makes you better at football.
Titans at Eagles
Eagles: Expect the Titans to be tough and physical while chasing the Eagles’ receivers into the end zone.
Seahawks at Rams
Seahawks: Midway through a disastrous 3-8 season, the Rams realize that it’s now or never when it comes to getting the best value for their Super Bowl rings at the pawn shop.
Dolphins at 49ers
Dolphins: Miami is very familiar with many of the coaches and players on the 49ers, so expect lots of excited waving.
Chiefs at Bengals
Chiefs: Kansas City continues to quietly be one of the most dominant teams in the league, we think. Honestly, we haven’t really been watching their games.
Chargers at Raiders
Chargers: The Raiders could struggle here, as they’re just 4-7 on the season in games decided by points.
Colts at Cowboys
Cowboys: Matt Ryan just hasn’t been showing the agility needed to stumble back to the bench following another three-and-out.
Saints at Buccaneers
Buccaneers: Tampa is a slight favorite against New Orleans thanks to Tom Brady’s successful motivational tactic of telling his teammates that they’re pathetic pieces of shit who wouldn’t be anything without him.