Onion Sports’ NFL Week 13 Picks

Bills: Expect mobile Buffalo quarterback Josh Allen to rely on his legs for running, jogging, and some standing.

Steelers: Expect the Falcons to struggle at home, where ever since the fake crowd noise scandal, their players have been unable to determine what is real and what is an illusion, including the fans, referees, field, and football.

Broncos: Broncos QB Russell Wilson is primed for a huge game where he could put up as many as eight completions for 60 yards.

Bears: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is reportedly struggling after stumbling upon a conspiracy theory that the entire Bears defense is out to sack him.

Jaguars: Last week’s impressive win over Baltimore put Jacksonville on track to salvaging a 6-11 season.

Browns: Expect a strong showing from Cleveland quarterback Deshaun Watson who leads the league with an average of 8.7 victims per game.

Jets: New York’s defense must get after Kirk Cousins if they want to experience the satisfying crunch the Vikings quarterback’s bones make during a vicious sack.

Commanders: A resurgent Brian Robinson Jr. continues to prove that getting shot actually makes you better at football.

Eagles: Expect the Titans to be tough and physical while chasing the Eagles’ receivers into the end zone.

Seahawks: Midway through a disastrous 3-8 season, the Rams realize that it’s now or never when it comes to getting the best value for their Super Bowl rings at the pawn shop.

Dolphins: Miami is very familiar with many of the coaches and players on the 49ers, so expect lots of excited waving.

Chiefs: Kansas City continues to quietly be one of the most dominant teams in the league, we think. Honestly, we haven’t really been watching their games.

Chargers: The Raiders could struggle here, as they’re just 4-7 on the season in games decided by points.

Cowboys: Matt Ryan just hasn’t been showing the agility needed to stumble back to the bench following another three-and-out.

Buccaneers: Tampa is a slight favorite against New Orleans thanks to Tom Brady’s successful motivational tactic of telling his teammates that they’re pathetic pieces of shit who wouldn’t be anything without him.