Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

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OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games:

Texans at Jaguars

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner Bob McNair will reassure fans that Coach Kubiak is an integral part of the Texans’ plans for the future.

Vikings at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Expect the Ravens to edge out a win in this highly anticipated new chapter of the Cassel-Flacco Bowl.


Browns at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Tom Brady should take advantage of the Browns’ secondary by targeting the big dumb fuck or the annoying little pricks.


Colts at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals or Colts – Who fucking knows? We’re just trying to get through this goddamn football season like the rest of you lumps of shit.


Lions at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Lions – With both Detroit and Philadelphia possessing respectable records and aiming for a playoff berth, it’s clear that we’ve entered some kind of ethereal second reality in which nothing can be trusted.


Falcons at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – OSN’s oracle pulled a slip reading “Green Bay” from a hat filled with steaming pig entrails.


Chiefs at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – Washington pulls it out in a stunner no one except Alex Smith and crooked Las Vegas bookie Dom Corrigan saw coming.


Raiders at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Raiders – This is an even matchup in which anything could happen, including a thoroughly uninteresting game.


Dolphins at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Mike Wallace will have an emotional return to Heinz Field, where he was not long ago one of the league’s top receivers and only privately a homophobic, loudmouthed piece of shit.


Bills at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Bills – Two gladiators enter a ring. Neither has any idea they are gladiators or in a ring.


Titans at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – The Titans are hoping for a ton of snow, presumably so they can build a franchise quarterback.


Giants at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – With Eli Manning’s interceptions finally drying up, the Giants will continue finding new and creative ways to turn over the ball.


Eagles at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – The matchup no one is talking about.

Seahawks at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Colin Kaepernick is the most dynamic young running quarterback of 2012.


Rams at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – Christ, there are a lot of games this week. Uh…Cardinals.


Panthers at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Like all teams this season, the Panthers will struggle in the fiery atmosphere of the underground Superdome 3,000 miles below the surface of the earth.


Cowboys at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Two middle-of-the-road teams clash in a game with deep implications for both the NFC East race and and the future of neurological research.