Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week nine games.
Eagles at Texans
Eagles: Expect Philadelphia to finish off the Texans by the end of the first quarter and leave early to catch a flight back home.
Chargers at Falcons
Falcons: The Chargers return ready to squander the rest they got on their bye week.
Dolphins at Bears
Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa continues to prove wrong the doubters who claim an NFL quarterback needs a fully functioning brain.
Bills at Jets
Bills: Buffalo will be well rested coming off a relaxing bye week against the Packers.
Panthers at Bengals
Panthers: Expect a low-energy affair at Paycor Stadium, as the good citizens of Ohio will be too busy voting in their crucial swing state and, with democracy on the ballot, won’t be bothering with something so trivial as a football game.
Packers at Lions
Lions: Expect the Packers to forget to run the ball again this week.
Raiders at Jaguars
Raiders: Expect Davante Adams to take Derek Carr’s 4-yard-bombs to the house as he spins and jukes his way through the Jaguars’ depleted secondary.
Colts at Patriots
Patriots: With last week’s victory over the Jets, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick moved into first place for the most wins all-time by an immortal agent of Satan.
Vikings at Commanders
Commanders: Washington owner Dan Snyder continues to show impressive agility in avoiding consequences.
Seahawks at Cardinals
Seahawks: The Cardinals will be much more prepared to build upon their latest defeat and put together a solid losing streak.
Rams at Buccaneers
Buccaneers: An energized Tom Brady will dominate the Rams now that he’s no longer bogged down with having to remember his children’s names.
Titans at Chiefs
Chiefs: This game could finally resolve the Patrick Mahomes vs. Ryan Tannehill debate.
Ravens at Saints
Saints: New Orleans’ defense finally got going against the Raiders last week after restarting its bounty program.